Over the years, my wife has gone from “we have dogs” to “we don’t want kids” without us ever discussing it because she routinely avoided that conversation. More recently she has told others that we don’t have children because I don’t want them, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
She is now adamant that she is too old to have children and bringing up the idea of adoption is met with derision because she believes those children are “problems”. She has said extremely derogatory things about the adoption.
This has caused a major rift in our marriage and I don’t know if it can be fixed because she is unwilling to go to couples counseling, meet with adoption agencies to actually get factual information, or about it argue.
Am I unreasonable to think that changing your mind without talking about it is unfair to me?
Husband: First of all, regarding your wife’s attitude towards children who are available for adoption: she is wrong.
She obviously doesn’t want to be a parent. She may put all sorts of false roadblocks on the road to parenthood, but the answer is clear. Your wife refuses to bring up deeper issues, to try to work them out, or even to discuss them with you.
This is an extremely important and priority issue. How this is resolved will affect the rest of your life in profound ways. I strongly recommend that you seek an advisor. It will be challenging and very helpful to review your story and reveal your deep feelings about it with a neutral and compassionate person.
Single men can foster and adopt children. This is legal across the country, and while it is still relatively rare (compared to single woman adoption), I urge you to consider adoption if your marriage is struggling on this issue.
dear amy: I am a 32 year old female. I spent my 20’s in a serious long term relationship. After we broke up, it took me a few years to “sow my wild oats” and figure out who I am without him.
Now I’m looking for more than “friends with benefits”. The last few men I’ve met and dated, as sane as they seemed on online dating sites (since that was my main way of meeting men), were really just looking for dates.
I want to find a life partner. I was chatting with an amazing guy I met online and we scheduled a date for later this week. But I’m nervous that we’re meeting and he’s just expecting more than a date. I’m over it Like I said, I want a real relationship.
Can you give me some advice on what to do or say on a first or second date to move it in that direction without scaring the guy off?
Start again: Mainly, I recommend listening a lot. As you’ve no doubt experienced, people tend to reveal themselves (and their intentions) when they finally meet in person.
It is correct to ask someone directly what they are looking for. If they are fresh out of a relationship, they may be in their own oat sowing phase. You could say that you are looking for a long-term committed relationship. The only phrase I can think of that prospects for a first or second date might find “scary” is when you’re referring to “the tick tock of my fertile womb.”
Otherwise, if guys are scared of your own sincere intentions, then it’s best if you know early. Further!
dear amy: “Exhaustedreported that on Thanksgiving night she received a lengthy email from a “woke up” friend who attacked the concept of Thanksgiving and ruined it for her.
Thanks for saying, “If just hearing someone else’s views is ruining your vacation, then you should reconsider your vacation.”
fan: People who are rooted in their own beliefs often find it exhausting to realize that others are rooted in theirs.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by the Tribune Content Agency.